07 / 22 / 16
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| I love how matakaw we both are. Haha. |
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| Beautiful. |
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
NO TOMORROW
12:15 a.m.
Photos drenched in tears occupied half of her work table. Elle, a doctor who seems to age so beautifully, has been awake for more than twenty four hours now. Her shirt reeks of sweat and dirt. While breathing heavily, she scanned her surroundings: a cup of untouched coffee, bread from yesterday’s breakfast, a rosary, pens, and scattered post-its. She fixed her gaze on the clock. She sighed knowing that in a few hours, the sun will be shining brightly and she has to face reality. She wiped her eyes and curled herself up in bed. She tried to sleep but scenes from earlier haunted her like monsters trying to eat a little girl alive. Cassandra, her daughter who is as equally alluring as her, empty bottles of pain killers, wilted flowers from visitors, and doctors and nurses rushing— all these flashed before her very eyes and she started to cry.
Looking back, she remembered the first time she caught a glimpse of her daughter. Her bubbly little girl turned out to be an attractive young woman who became the talk of the town for her physical perfection. She was tall, fair-skinned, had small lips with a perfect set of teeth, and had round eyes that speak volumes. She may not be the brightest crayon in the box but she was certainly the most preferred one. She was well-known for her beauty, plush life, and seemingly-perfect world. Unfortunately, she had to suffer the pains of growing up without a father. He left them with the fear of not inheriting anything from his well-heeled parents. But despite all the hardships, Elle made sure that she will give her princess more than what she needs and asks for.
Everything was going smoothly until Cass started asking questions about her dad. Elle did not know quite what to say. This urged her daughter to desperately look for a father figure in all her suitors and admirers. However, the scar in her heart just can’t seem to heal and she never felt contented so she started looking for that affection in men way older than her peers. Sam, her lesbian best friend, is definitely against this. But little did she know that her dad and her dear friend were secretly having an affair. He promised her a life where she would feel the love and concern that her mother has failed to provide because of her desire to give her the world and all the necessities and luxuries in it. Their relationship went on for a year but when Sam found out about their secret, she cut the communication not just between her best friend and her father, but also between them.
One cold night, Cass woke her mother up because of the excruciating abdominal pains she was experiencing. There were sores around her genitals and rashes appeared in her flawless skin. Elle immediately responded and gave her pain medication. She rushed her to the hospital only to find out that she has contracted Human Papillomavirus, a sexually transmitted disease. Her past relationships and her attempts to feel wanted has led her to make love both with men she knew for months and those whom she can barely even remember the name. Despite all the attention she gets from everyone, her insecurities always acted up. She felt incomplete because of the lack of love and support she has always longed for both from her dad who has never made an effort to show up and from her mom who has somehow forgotten how it really is to act as a mother. She has always envied girls her age who are happy despite adversities in life because they had a loving and complete family who stood by their side.
Days went by and Cass grew weaker than ever because of complications. The chemotherapy sessions were doing her no good. And finally, the day they both feared the most came. They were not ready. They will never be.
Elle burned the lines to heaven just so God would save Cass from her battle but no one seemed to hear her. She approached her daughter that evening while she was peacefully sleeping and poured her heart out. She planted a kiss on her forehead and asked for forgiveness for all her shortcomings and for all the days she has wasted not being there for her princess. When the clock ticked, her heart started beating slowly and the doctors and nurses rushed into the room to check.
Time of death: 9:04 p.m.
Elle wailed and ran out of the room and into the streets. She stood in silence.
A year later, she finds herself staring at a photo of her and Cass taken ten years ago. She is miserable than ever. She has lost her beauty (and even her senses), she no longer does duties as a doctor, and she has lost the will to live. But when she looked at the photo again and stared at the mirror after, she realized that this was not what her daughter wants for her. She knew Cass would want her to move on and be happy. So right there and then, she proceeds to her study table and takes out a pen and a fresh sheet of paper. She writes…
“Hi, Cassandra! How’s my princess doing? I bet the angels are all pleased to have a new addition to their family. But I hope they’re kind enough to bring you back to me. You see, there’s not a day that passes that I don’t miss you. I regret not kissing you as soon as I wake up and not hugging you during the moments you were down. I feel bad for not sleeping beside you during thunderstorms and not wiping your tears away heartbreak after heartbreak. I weep over the thought of not ever sharing a meal with you when all you wanted was someone to talk to. I regret not caring for you and not making you feel loved. Life is a temporary assignment, Cass. And I hate myself for realizing it just now. I’m sorry for failing you but I do hope you can forgive me. I love you, my princess and I guess I’ll have to endure missing you everyday until the day comes when I can finally see you again. But for now, I guess I just have to try living without you. I have to accept the fact that you are already gone. I need to face the reality that this ‘letting go and moving on’ phase will be sad and long. And finally, I think I just have to get by… try to continue existing like nothing ever went wrong.”
Elle folded the paper and kept it in her bag to be dropped off tomorrow in front of Cassandra’s tomb stone.
3:20 a.m. Lights closed.
Photos drenched in tears occupied half of her work table. Elle, a doctor who seems to age so beautifully, has been awake for more than twenty four hours now. Her shirt reeks of sweat and dirt. While breathing heavily, she scanned her surroundings: a cup of untouched coffee, bread from yesterday’s breakfast, a rosary, pens, and scattered post-its. She fixed her gaze on the clock. She sighed knowing that in a few hours, the sun will be shining brightly and she has to face reality. She wiped her eyes and curled herself up in bed. She tried to sleep but scenes from earlier haunted her like monsters trying to eat a little girl alive. Cassandra, her daughter who is as equally alluring as her, empty bottles of pain killers, wilted flowers from visitors, and doctors and nurses rushing— all these flashed before her very eyes and she started to cry.
Looking back, she remembered the first time she caught a glimpse of her daughter. Her bubbly little girl turned out to be an attractive young woman who became the talk of the town for her physical perfection. She was tall, fair-skinned, had small lips with a perfect set of teeth, and had round eyes that speak volumes. She may not be the brightest crayon in the box but she was certainly the most preferred one. She was well-known for her beauty, plush life, and seemingly-perfect world. Unfortunately, she had to suffer the pains of growing up without a father. He left them with the fear of not inheriting anything from his well-heeled parents. But despite all the hardships, Elle made sure that she will give her princess more than what she needs and asks for.
Everything was going smoothly until Cass started asking questions about her dad. Elle did not know quite what to say. This urged her daughter to desperately look for a father figure in all her suitors and admirers. However, the scar in her heart just can’t seem to heal and she never felt contented so she started looking for that affection in men way older than her peers. Sam, her lesbian best friend, is definitely against this. But little did she know that her dad and her dear friend were secretly having an affair. He promised her a life where she would feel the love and concern that her mother has failed to provide because of her desire to give her the world and all the necessities and luxuries in it. Their relationship went on for a year but when Sam found out about their secret, she cut the communication not just between her best friend and her father, but also between them.
One cold night, Cass woke her mother up because of the excruciating abdominal pains she was experiencing. There were sores around her genitals and rashes appeared in her flawless skin. Elle immediately responded and gave her pain medication. She rushed her to the hospital only to find out that she has contracted Human Papillomavirus, a sexually transmitted disease. Her past relationships and her attempts to feel wanted has led her to make love both with men she knew for months and those whom she can barely even remember the name. Despite all the attention she gets from everyone, her insecurities always acted up. She felt incomplete because of the lack of love and support she has always longed for both from her dad who has never made an effort to show up and from her mom who has somehow forgotten how it really is to act as a mother. She has always envied girls her age who are happy despite adversities in life because they had a loving and complete family who stood by their side.
Days went by and Cass grew weaker than ever because of complications. The chemotherapy sessions were doing her no good. And finally, the day they both feared the most came. They were not ready. They will never be.
Elle burned the lines to heaven just so God would save Cass from her battle but no one seemed to hear her. She approached her daughter that evening while she was peacefully sleeping and poured her heart out. She planted a kiss on her forehead and asked for forgiveness for all her shortcomings and for all the days she has wasted not being there for her princess. When the clock ticked, her heart started beating slowly and the doctors and nurses rushed into the room to check.
Time of death: 9:04 p.m.
Elle wailed and ran out of the room and into the streets. She stood in silence.
A year later, she finds herself staring at a photo of her and Cass taken ten years ago. She is miserable than ever. She has lost her beauty (and even her senses), she no longer does duties as a doctor, and she has lost the will to live. But when she looked at the photo again and stared at the mirror after, she realized that this was not what her daughter wants for her. She knew Cass would want her to move on and be happy. So right there and then, she proceeds to her study table and takes out a pen and a fresh sheet of paper. She writes…
“Hi, Cassandra! How’s my princess doing? I bet the angels are all pleased to have a new addition to their family. But I hope they’re kind enough to bring you back to me. You see, there’s not a day that passes that I don’t miss you. I regret not kissing you as soon as I wake up and not hugging you during the moments you were down. I feel bad for not sleeping beside you during thunderstorms and not wiping your tears away heartbreak after heartbreak. I weep over the thought of not ever sharing a meal with you when all you wanted was someone to talk to. I regret not caring for you and not making you feel loved. Life is a temporary assignment, Cass. And I hate myself for realizing it just now. I’m sorry for failing you but I do hope you can forgive me. I love you, my princess and I guess I’ll have to endure missing you everyday until the day comes when I can finally see you again. But for now, I guess I just have to try living without you. I have to accept the fact that you are already gone. I need to face the reality that this ‘letting go and moving on’ phase will be sad and long. And finally, I think I just have to get by… try to continue existing like nothing ever went wrong.”
Elle folded the paper and kept it in her bag to be dropped off tomorrow in front of Cassandra’s tomb stone.
3:20 a.m. Lights closed.
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